To Be or Not To Be
by thesebigcitydreams
Summary: Dan Howell is an aspiring actor, Phil Lester is his boyfriend of 5 years. Dan gets the role in a play that he's been dreaming about all his life. What will happen when tragedy strikes? Will Dan still continue his dream? Will everything be okay? Read for more! WARNINGS: Terminal illness, pre-smut, angst, swearing.
1. Chapter 1

The crowd cheered. Dan smiled and waved to the audience as he beamed at them from upon the stage. All the different faces reacting from his performance.. A young boy laughing, a old woman crying, and a certain blue eyed man in the front row, the pride evident on his face.  
"You were absolutely brilliant Bear!" The blue eyed man named Phil cried as he scooped Dan into his arms after they were reunited.  
Dan giggled into his boyfriend's chest, hiding the very obvious blush on his cheeks. "I could've done so much better.." Phil's smile faltered.  
"Dan.. Baby.. Don't you dare. You were perfect. Don't talk down about yourself."  
Dan opened his mouth to protest but was cut off as he felt Phil's lips pressed against his own in a passionate, loving kiss.  
"I love you. You were absolutely stunning up there." Phil said quietly enough for only Dan to hear. Dan suppressed a blush and only nodded as Phil lead the way out of the stuffy building.

"Where are you taking me?" Dan asked as Phil clumsily lead him around with his warm hands over Dan's chocolate eyes.  
"You'll see silly!" Phil chuckled as he lead Dan to their destination. "Okay.. Open them."  
Dan's eyes fluttered open and his hands flew to his mouth as he saw the sight in front of him. Their lounge had been completely redecorated, complete with fairy lights and candles to set the mood perfectly. On the candlelit table sat two plates of pasta perfectly seasoned and two glasses of fine red wine.  
"Phil.. What's all this?.." Dan asked in shock.  
"You've been working so hard lately.. You deserve a break love." Phil smiled sweetly. Dan grinned.  
"It smells delicious!" He said as Phil sat down and pulled him on his lap to feed him, Dan giggling the whole time.  
"It better! I could've beat Crash Bandicoot in the time it took to make this!" Phil chuckled and sipped his wine before pecking Dan's plump lips. Dan hungrily kissed back, tasting the sweet wine on his boyfriend's even sweeter lips.  
Phil put his hands firmly on Dan's hips as Dan wrapped his long arms around Phil's neck. Phil's lips traveled from Dan's down his jaw until they settled on his neck and sucked softly, marking Dan as his. Dan let out a soft moan and wrapped his fingers in Phil's hair, pulling softly.  
Phil then scooped Dan into his arms and all but ran to the bedroom, anxious to feel Dan's soft skin. Dan quickly pulled off Phil's shirt and unbuttoned his pants, palming him the whole time. Phil let out a gasp and quickly ripped Dan's own shirt off.  
Using his other hand, Phil reached around in the desk drawer for a small bottle of lubricant. He suddenly looked hesitant as he saw the look on Dan's face.  
"Bear?.. Honey are you okay?.." Phil asked, quickly helping Dan sit up. He was sweating bullets and very out of breath, even though they hadn't actually done anything yet.  
"M'fine.. Just.. A bit tired.. I'm sorry Phil.. I'm so sorry.. But can we just sleep tonight?.." Dan whined sleepily.  
"Of course Bear.. Of course. Goodnight..." Phil kissed an already asleep Dan's cheek softly. "l love you."


	2. Chapter 2

"But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?  
It is the east, and Juliet-" Dan was cut off by a wave of nausea and the room spinning around him.  
"..is the sun!" Dan best friend and co-star Carrie Fletcher reminded in a whisper before assuming her previous position in the balcony.  
Dan covered his mouth with his hand and sprinted back stage to empty the contents of his stomach into the large trash bin. He retched into the bin and panted as the nausea passed, at least for now.  
"Oh God Dan! What happened to you?!" Carrie asked anxiously while running her hand up and down his back.  
"I just.. T-the room.. Spinning.. Nauseous.." He managed in between deep breaths. He could really use some water.. Or a mint.. Or Phil..  
"Poor thing.." Carrie said. "I'm taking you home! You're in no position to be on your feet for hours under these lights. Do you think you can stand?"  
Dan nodded a bit before standing up on his feet and immediately regretting it. "I feel sick Carrie.. I'm going to throw up.." He whined.  
Carrie quickly helped him sit and handed him a paper bag. "Just relax.. I'll call Phil okay? Oh gosh you're burning up.." She muttered as she dialed the number.  
'Hello?' A familiar voice answered.  
"Phil! It's Carrie! Please come get Dan.. He's running a fever and has gotten sick twice.. He really doesn't look good."  
'Shit..' He muttered. 'I'll be right there. Keep Dan calm. Oh! And get him some water please, thanks. I'll be there in 10 minutes.'  
Carrie hung up and held Dan and he continued to whine and cry softly. He curled up holding his stomach tightly, repeatedly asking 'why me?'

Phil sighed and sat down on the cold seat of the underground. He was extremely worried about Dan. Dan had vomited 3 times already that morning, and yet insisted on going to rehearsal. Oh Dan.. Why couldn't Phil just say 'no' to those sparking eyes and adorable dimples?  
The ride was a long one, almost enough to make Phil sleepy. When his stop came, he almost missed it but quickly jumped up when remembering why he was going in the first place. Dan. His Dan.  
He ran towards the theater and his heart broke when he saw the state his lover was in. Dan was curled up in Carrie's arms sobbing loudly. His entire body was shaking and it was evident he has just gotten sick all over himself.  
"Oh Dan.." Phil whispered before running over to him. "Darling.. I'm here. I've got you.."  
"Phil.. It's hurts.. It hurts so bad.." Dan sobbed into Phil's hoodie once he has scooped him up in his arms.  
"Dan, we are going to the hospital. Now. I don't care what you say." Phil kept Dan in his arms, holding him tightly. Dan protested softly but his voice was drowned out when Phil whispered comforting words to him and cooed sweet nothings in his ear. Phil smiled gratefully. This always made Dan relax.  
Phil hailed a cab and got in carefully, still cradling Dan to his chest. He hummed softly and played with Dan's soft hair. Dan would be okay. It was just the flu right? Dan was the toughest, loudest, and sassiest boy Phil had ever met. And that's why the fell in love with the younger boy.  
Dan's eyes fluttered open and he looked to Phil who never put him down one. "Phil.. It hurts.. It still hurts.."  
"I know Bear.. The doctor will help. It's just the flu love. The medicine the doctor prescribes will help." Phil said calmly.  
It felt like he was being ripped apart.. Burning. Searing pain. Was this what Hell felt like?  
'Idiot..' Dan thought to himself. He is just overreacting. The flu is nothing to worry about at all. And this was just the flu.. Wasn't it?


	3. Chapter 3

"Whoever is calling us so early must have a pretty damn good reason.." Dan grumbled. It was a little past nine in the morning on a Saturday and he was currently enjoying sleeping in the warm embrace of his boyfriend.  
Phil chuckled a bit and reached over on the night stand to retrieve the ringing phone.  
"'Ello?" He slurred as he sat up a bit, much to Dan's disappointment. "Um.. Yes. May I ask what this is about?.. Mhm.. 10:30?.. Okay. See you then. Bye."  
Dan sat up slightly and looked in Phil's concerned eyes. "What was that all about?"  
"It was your doctor.. He said they found something in your test results.. He wants us in by 10:30." Phil looked visibly shaken. If Dan was only suffering from the stomach flu, they wouldn't need to see them for "further testing". Dan, on the other hand, didn't look worried in the least and groggily stood up so that he could best Phil to the bathroom and use up all the hot water.

"Mr. Lester, Mr. Howell, thank you for coming in as quickly as possible to discuss Mr. Howell's test results." Dr. Choi said as he made his way over to the desk they Dan and Phil were sitting at.  
"Well.. On the phone it sounded pretty serious.. We need to know what's going on." Phil said squeezing Dan's hand tightly.  
Dr. Choi nodded. We are required to run many tests when a patient is seemingly heathy. Blood test, urine test, ect,. Mr. Howell had some.. alarming..abnormalities in his blood work. After much examination and diagnosis, we were able to come to the conclusion that Mr. Howell had developed leukemia lymphoma. There are chances of survival.. But they're slim. We will be starting chemotherapy immediately. We can even start today if we get all the papers sorted out. The sooner we get rid of this thing the better."  
The doctor looked over at the young men. Dan was shell shocked. He had tears in his eyes and his breathing increased but he was just staring straight ahead. Phil on the other hand was sobbing. Tears upon tears flowed out of his eyes and he felt nauseous. He excused himself momentarily to step into the hall because, Holy Shit, the man he loved was fucking dying of blood cancer!  
He took a few deep breaths and tried to compose himself before reentering the room. Dan was now crying and screaming and asking the doctor 'why?!' Over and over. Phil's heart snapped in two.  
"Dan.. Sweetheart. Let's sit down okay?.. We can start your chemo today.. It will help.." Phil soothed.  
Dan looked at him in disbelief. "I'm dying Phil.. I won't ever get to go back to Uni or star in a play on Broadway.. I won't get married or have kids.." He was having a panic attack at this point. Phil just soothed him the best he could even though he too, was breaking down.

Author's Note: Might abandon this story.. Comment if I should continue. Sorry this is short, I wrote it at 12:18 AM.


	4. Chapter 4

"I don't want it! I don't fucking want it!" Dan screamed as Phil tried to calm him down enough to start his first chemo session.

Phil sighed, frustrated. This had been going on a half hour. He totally understood why Dan was scared.. But.. This was too much. Dan refused chemo the day before as he burst into tears, forcing Phil to take him home. Dan had kept Phil up all night crying and getting sick all over himself every hour.

"I don't want it! You read the side effects! Hair loss.. Bleeding!" Dan sobbed loudly.

"Bear.. Don't pay attention to that.. I will be here the whole time.. Until you are 100% healthy again." Phil whispered to him. Dan looked into those deep blue eyes and the doctor took that as his cue to inject the chemo shot.

Dan yelped before looking at Phil again. "I'm so so proud of you Bear.." He cooed as Dan stood up.

"I feel sick again.." He whispered and let Phil support almost all of his weight. Phil nodded and thanked the doctor before scooping his little Bear into his arms and carrying him to the taxi he had previously called.

~2 weeks later~

Dan was laying in bed, curled up sobbing as he coughed up even more blood. This had been happening the last two hours. Phil had taken the role of the kind and understanding boyfriend, but he would be lying if he said he just wished Dan would be quiet for 10 minutes.

"Dan. You have to eat something. You haven't had anything in a week." Phil said as he tried to desperately get Dan to eat something other than a cup of yogurt and a few crackers. "Look! You can even have Maltesers if you finish your soup!"

"I don't fucking want it!" He cried. "Just let me lay here and die!"

Phil dropped everything he was holding as tears streamed down his face. "Don't you fucking dare Dan. Don't you dare! This is hard for me too! You think I like just standing on the sidelines watching the man I love whither away?! That I can't do something to help?! It's tearing me apart Dan.. I just keep trying to make life as happy and normal as possible and you just keep saying you want to die! Do you know how hard that is?!" He was sobbing at this point. Dan looked down and teared up.

"I'm sorry Phil.. I'm so sorry.. I know you're trying.. I'm just scared.." He whispered.

"I know honey.. I'm sorry I overreacted.. I'm scared too.. But we can do this." Phil whispered and ran his fingers in Dan's thinning hair, a small clump falling off into his fingers.

Dan teared up and looked horrified as he saw the small amounts of brown fluff on his boyfriend's fingers. "Oh my God.." He cried trembling.

"Shh.." Phil soothed, but Dan's sobs only got louder and louder. Phil tried to calm him down for 20 more minutes before he carefully set Dan down on top of the duvet and got up, quickly leaving the room.

Dan sat there in shock, thinking Phil was upset with him and fed up with all the bullshit that inevitably came with a cancer patient as a boyfriend. Dan curled up and started to cry even harder when Phil came back in the room with something behind his back. Dan looked up confused but smiled a tiny bit as he saw the sweet look on the older boy's face.

"Why did you leave?.." Dan asked quietly while sniffling.

"I needed to get this." Phil grinned and held out a pair of haircutting scissors and a battery powered razor.

"No!" Dan yelled and covered his hair. "I want to keep it as long as I can Phil! Don't shave it off!"

Phil chuckled. "No Bear, they aren't for your hair, they're for mine."

Dan looked up with a confused expression and made Phil chuckle even more.

"Well I was hoping my lovely boyfriend could give me a haircut?" He smiled and pecked Dan's cheek.

"I-I don't know how to cut hair Phil.." He said quietly.

"That's okay! Just do whatever you like! It will look lovely!" He grinned back.

Dan bit his lip. "Promise you won't get mad if I fuck up?.."

"You couldn't possibly!" Phil encouraged. "But if it makes you feel better I promise, love."

Dan hesitantly took the silver scissors and snipped a small piece of Phil's fringe and looked at Phil to make sure it was okay. Phil just smiled and encouraged him to continue cutting.

Bit by bit, the black mop of hair was disappearing. Dan cut big chunks, small chunks, and shaved quite a bit off. For the first time in weeks, Phil actually heard Dan laugh. Not a fake laugh or small giggle, but his genuine laugh that was Phil's absolute favorite sound.

"You look fucking ridiculous!" Dan managed between his laughs.

Phil looked at his boyfriend's handiwork in the mirror and grinned. "I think it looks quite good! I suit it! It looks like I could join a punk band now!"

Dan giggled. "You will never be in Fall Out Boy!"

"Damn!" Phil laughed. "I suppose I will just have to snuggle my perfect boyfriend instead of touring around the world."

"I don't see a problem with that." Dan said happily and climbed on Phil's lap to snuggle.

'He's lost so much weight..' Phil thought. He was beginning to feel sad again until he looked down and saw this sweet smile on his boyfriend's face that exposed his dimple. There was an elegant blush on Dan's face that made Phil smile too. Dan didn't look sick, he just looked like Dan. His Dan. His Dan that would beat this. They would make it through this. Together.


	5. Chapter 5

Phil sat at his boring little desk in his boring little office. Dan had another rough night last night. He was up all night screaming and crying and coughing up blood. Phil wanted to stay home with him today but.. He honestly couldn't. His boss didn't care that Dan was literally dying, he just wanted his paperwork sent in on time. Last time Phil called in to stay home, his boss told him that if he stayed home one more day he would be fired. And he REALLY needed this job.

Dan was currently unemployed except for when he got a gig acting (which he couldn't do right now obviously). Phil was their on only form of financial support. That's why Dan couldn't call him. He just couldn't.

Dan had been suffering stomach pains all night and all morning. Phil told him not to hesitate to call him if they got worse but Dan knew he couldn't. Phil would lose his job.

Dan collapsed at 12:54 AM.

He couldn't move. The pain was much too unbearable. He started shaking, sobbing, sweating. He coughed up what little he had in his stomach and noticed the blood again. More than last time. The blood dripping from his chapped lips onto his T-shirt. The pain worsened. He reached for guys phone and gasped when a pain in his side stopped him from grabbing it. He ignored the pain for a moment until he grabbed his phone.

He looked through his contacts, trying to find anyone other than Phil to call. He knew Carrie was at rehearsal.. He couldn't bother her with his bullshit. He decided to call his mother. She would know what to do.

'Hello, you have reached Diane Howell. I can't take your call right now. Please leave your-" Dan hung up with a groan. He tried his father, only to get the same thing. He tried his younger brother, Adrian, but he got voicemail again.

He was going to give up, but he felt the bile creeping up his throat again. He called his friend Louise. She might help.

'Hello?' She asked in an overly sweet voice.

"Louise!" He sobbed into the phone. "I didn't know who to call.. I know you might be busy with your baby but I need help.." He sobbed and whimpered.

'Say no more, I'll be right there!' She said before hanging up.

Dan curled up on the floor praying she would hurry up. He tried to calm himself down. He held Phil's lion to his chest as he cried, and then everything went black.

Louise quickly called 911 when she saw the state Dan was in. He was completely white and covered in his own blood. He was bleeding from his mouth and nose. He was hardly breathing.

The paramedics carefully lifted Dan onto a gurney and loaded his unconscious form into the flashing ambulance.

Louise stood helpless with tears in her eyes as she watched this young, helpless boy being sent away for possibly the last time.


	6. Chapter 6

Phil sighed as the phone rang once again. He was at work, he really couldn't answer. But.. Maybe it was Dan. He sneaked a look around the office before quickly answering the call from Louise in a hushed voice.

"Louise!" He scolded. "I am at work and have to keep my phone clear in case Dan needs me!"

'Phil, it is about Dan.' She whispered, barely audible.

He completely ignored being quiet and screamed. "What?! What happened to my Dan?!" Everyone in the office stared.

'He collapsed Phil.. The doctors think this might be it.. He's very ill..' She sobbed.

Tears filled up his eyes as he screamed 'no' repeatedly. His boss came in yelling as Phil was already up and putting his coat on.

"Lester! If you leave you're fired!"

Phil turned around with teary eyes. "I don't give a fuck! He's dying! My Dan is dying!" He sobbed. "My lover.. My best friend.. The only happiness I've ever had is in the hospital dying.." He fell to the floor sobbing as his boss just scoffed and stormed out.

His coworker Zoe stood up and went over to him. "Phil I'm so so sorry.. You're in no condition to drive. I'm taking you to the hospital."

"You'll very fired too.." He whispered.

"I wouldn't want to work for a heartless man anyway." She gave a small smile before helping him up and walking to her car.

'This is it..' Phil thought. 'This is the last time I will see my Bear..' And after that, he completely shut down.

"Phil!" Louise called and ran into his arms sobbing as she finally saw him.

"Where is he?.. Is he gone?.." Phil whispered.

"I don't know.. He is in surgery.. Apparently he needs a kidney.. His dad is on his way to donate it.."

Phil nodded but was still numb. Dan had to go through this all by himself.. And he still didn't call because Phil would've lost his stupid job.

'I should've just stayed home with him.. It was a bad night. I knew he was in pain. I should've stayed..' Phil thought over and over.

"You look exhausted.. Let's sit down in the waiting area." Louise suggested.

Phil nodded and sat down in one of those uncomfortable hospital chairs next to Louise. He felt his eyes getting heavy, and before he knew it, images of Dan when he was 18 and so healthy flooded his mind, sending Phil to a safe haven (even if it were only temporary).


	7. Chapter 7

"Is anyone here for Daniel Howell?" A deep voice asked.

Louise immediately looked up and shook the dark haired boy next to her until he awoke.

"How is he?! Is he dead?! Dying?!" Were the first words that left Phil's mouth as sprang out of his seat and speed walked over to the doctor.

The doctor smiled softly. "We aren't sure yet.. He might not want up, but we aren't giving up yet. You can see him now if you want? Follow me."

Phil's heart fell as he followed the doctor into the small room where both Dan and his father were recovering. Mr. Howell looked much better than Dan. He was sleeping soundly with a simple IV drip in his arm. Dan however.. His Dan.. He was lying in bed with multiple tubes and machines hooked up to his small and frail form.

Dan was hardly breathing, hardly alive, but still.. He was beautiful. Phil kissed his forehead while holding back tears before leaving them to rest.

Phil Lester had never been much of a drinker. That's why it was such a surprise that he ended up in a pub after visiting Dan.

"Phil? Phil Lester?!" A voice called.

A drunken Phil turned around to see his ex-boyfriend Charlie.

"Holy shit Charlie.. How long has it been?.." He slurred.

"Ever since you dumped me for Dan." He smiled, but there was a bitter tone in his voice.

"Yeah.. Sorry 'bout that.." He said, his voice heavy but trembling as Dan was mentioned.

Charlie chuckled. "So.. Why are you here? Problem in paradise?"

"Something like that.." He whispered as he downed another shot of whiskey.

"Well.. You know.." Charlie started as he sat on Phil's lap and whispered sensually in his ear. "I still love you."

Phil looked at him, eyes half closed. At that moment.. All he saw was the dark hair and chocolate brown eyes full of lust. He knew that look too well.

Charlie pressed an innocent kiss to Phil's lips and waited for Phil's reaction.

Maybe it was the fact that Charlie's eyes resembled Dan's, or maybe it was the fact that Phil was highly intoxicated, but he pulled Charlie closer and kissed him hungrily.

Charlie gripped Phil's black hair and moaned into the kiss, enjoying every minute of this. Phil was his first, and he wasn't about to let that little bitch take him away again.

Dan opened his eyes at around 1:37 in the morning. He scanned the room, obviously confused. His mum was sitting messy next to him by the bed asleep, his father was in a bed next to him, and his younger brother was sprawled out across a few plastic chairs with his headphones on. There was only one person missing.

Dan blinked a few times and weakly reached out for his mother, who woke up almost immediately.

"Daniel?.. Oh honey you're awake! Thank God.. I was so worried!" Diane Howell cried and moved a stray hair from her eldest son's face.

"Phil.. Where's Phil?.." He croaked as he tried to sit up more, immediately regretting it as he felt pain in his abdomen.

"Phil left a while ago.. I'm sure he will be back soon. Let's get some rest, hm? I'll text Phil just in case." She stated.

Dan nodded and smiled at the thought of Phil coming in and holding him tight, the thought was so serene, it sent Dan into a peaceful sleep.

Phil woke up around 6:30 in the morning to find his phone flashing a message. He was about to retrieve it when a pair of arms snaked around his waist. Dan was in the hospital.. So who..?

Phil looked over to see his exboyfriend Charlie, completely naked and covered in slimy and sticky substances. He looked down at himself and saw that he was in the same condition.

He hurt Dan.. He was unfaithful.. The only thing he could think was "way to fuck it up, Phil. Ruin the best thing that has fever happened to you."


	8. Chapter 8

Authors note: I am so sorry for taking a million years to update. There's been a lot going on and who knows if people are still reading this but if so, I'm so sorry! I'll update more often I promise!

Dan was worried. Scratch that, he was fucking terrified. Phil didn't come back in the morning. Or afternoon. And still wasn't back by evening. He hadn't answered any of Dan's calls or texts and that wasn't like Phil at all. Especially when Dan was in the hospital.

Dan sighed frustratedly as he hung up the phone for what seemed to be the hundredth time he heard his lover's voicemail.

"Phil will be okay sweetie.. He's probably just asleep..." Diane, Dan's mother, said in an attempt to calm her baby boy's nerves.

"If that's the case, he's been asleep for over 24 fucking hours." Dan replied.

Diane sighed before kissing his forehead and stepping into the hall while Dan checked his texts for the hundredth time.

She dialed Phil's number and got voicemail yet again, but this time, she left a message. "Phil Lester, I know this is hard for you to see Dan like this, but if you think it's hard, you try being in my position. I raised that sweet boy from a baby and now I have to face the fact that my darling boy will leave the world before me. I am his mother. You are his boyfriend, and he needs you. If you're going around doing things so get your mind off it, fine. I get it. But if you hurt my baby, I will hurt you a thousand times worse, and if you don't get here soon, I will kick your ass."

"Listen.. Charlie. I fucked up. I was unfaithful. I'm sorry I did this to you, but I can't stay. I need to get back to Dan. MY Dan, that is laying in the hospital. Please. Give me my phone so I can leave." Phil pleaded.

"No! You always do this!" Charlie sobbed while holding a death grip on Phil, and his phone. "What does that freak have that I don't?! If it weren't for you, he would've been dead a long time ago. You deserve someone you don't have to take care of.. Not some depressed charity case like him."

Phil lost it. He screamed profanities like there was no tomorrow because for Dan, there might not have been.

After Phil finished yelling and was just a mess, he curled up on the bed and sobbed. He sobbed for the fact that after six years, he slept with a man other than Dan. That he promised Dan his love and ruined it. That he would never see Dan walk down the isle with that big smile on his face. That he would never see Dan hold their child for the first time. That he would never grow old with the person he loved most.

Phil sobbed until he had no energy. He passed out not caring where he was or what would happen to him. Charlie pitied him. 'Why would such a great man end up with such a fuck up?' He thought. He smirked. He already had Phil's phone, what difference would it make if he send Dan a little message of what Phil actually thought of him?

He clicked the texts from Dan and read all of them. Pathetic. He began typing, letting every emotion out.

'Dan. I can't do this. Why the hell would I want to date you? The only reason I'm still here is cause I felt bad for you. You ruined my life. You're just a fuck up and I'm glad you're getting what you deserve. I can't date a cancer patient. You're going to die anyway, why put myself in that position? Plus, it's not like I'm getting any. Where do you think I've been? I'm at a real man's house and he has shown me what real pleasure is. Have a good life! Well.. What's left of it.

\- Phil .'

And send.


End file.
